These words Dazai said to Oda were also directed at himself. This is how Dazai finds the strength to face his reality everyday: he was hoping for something to happen, and while he did not know what that was or how, he had to believe it would happen. This is why I’m convinced Dazai never truly wanted to die. He was seeking something out there that he didn’t quite understand, but tried to make himself believe it would give him a reason to stay alive.
But this is also the reason why Dazai couldn’t save Oda. His plea, his heartfelt advice couldn’t become Oda’s reason to stay. While Dazai was searching for his calling, Oda had found his, and had lived for that sole purpose ever since. Sadly, that purpose had been taken away from him. A man’s sole reason to live and seek redemption, reduced to ashes all too quickly and too easily.
Dazai’s long and painful wait for that something was the reason he stayed alive. Oda having found that something to live for, and him seeing it destroyed within minutes, was the reason he stopped wanting to live. Dazai’s yearning for the unknown and hopeful – “it will happen” – couldn’t be more contrasting with Oda’s utter destruction from knowing his hope had already been extinguished – “it’s all over for me”. Dazai was chasing without knowing, but Oda had already chased, already known, and now that his destination had been burnt to the ground, there was nothing worth chasing anymore.
Which is also why Oda was the right person to give Dazai any sort of advice, and not the other way round. Oda had been there, and now he passed on the knowledge to Dazai that being good would definitely be better, even if it’s just a little bit. Dazai was holding on to something unreachable and unseen, but Oda gave him a new hope – a thread to cling to. Even if their hearts couldn’t reach out to each other in time, even if they were more different than similar, Oda was able to give Dazai a part of himself to help Dazai move on, to have something to cling to and rely on in the new struggle he had to face, this time without the bond he had with Oda and Ango to keep him afloat in dark waters.
Sorry for the delay in posting, but here are this year’s Rarepair Week prompts!
Day 1:Memories // Letting go
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” ―F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Day 2:Your hand in mine // Scars “Memories are either the greatest poetry, when they are memories of a vital happiness, or a burning pain, when they touch dried wounds.” ―Ivan Goncharov, Oblomov
Day 3: Soulmates // Obsession “I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” ―
Edgar Allan Poe, in a letter to his mother (1849)
Day 4: Coffee // Masks “Everybody said, “Follow your heart”. I did, it got broken.”
―
Agatha Christie
Day 5: Laughter // Puppets
“The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.” ―Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
Day 6: Stargazing // So close yet so far “But no matter how far he flew, he didn’t get any closer to the sun.”
―
Kenji Miyazawa, The Nighthawk’s Star
Day 7: I’ll take care of you // I would die for you “I can give myself to her In her dreams Whispering her own poems In her ear as she sleeps beside me.” ― Akiko Yosano,
Women Poets of Japan (1977)
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The previous mafia boss was the one who had the “older man Kouyou admired” killed for running away. My guess would be that Kouyou was still young enough to be trained and her ability was valuable enough that the mafia boss let her live. He probably also thought that by killing the man he would both remove his influence on Kouyou and effectively traumatize Kouyou to the point she would never try and run away again… or else.
But that’s only my guess. Too bad Kouyou isn’t a bigger character so we could get more information on her past (I could say the same for ALL the mafia characters!)
fadeslikewhispers 