the signs as john mulaney quotes

khattikeri:

Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]

Taurus: 

“In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Gemini: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”

Cancer: 

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”

Leo: “Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”

Virgo: “This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery.

Libra: 

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

Scorpio: 

‘No,’ I said. You know, like a liar.”

Sagittarius: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”

Capricorn:  “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

Aquarius: “‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian’”

Pisces: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”

Sadness expressions of the Zodiac Signs

zodiacmind:

Aries : Rage, impulsivity and failure to get worked up about the things they normally do, oppositional but with less verve and energy

Taurus : Isolation, binge eating and lethargy, a sense of ‘me against the world’, less patience, easier to enrage

Gemini : Silence, nerves, over thinking, easily distractible and seems ‘elsewhere’; they are fairly intolerable to sadness they tend to detach/dissociate from feelings after a short while

Cancer : Teariness, neediness, isolation, binge eating, crying after insignificant events, stomach aches, a feeling of separation from everyone around them

Leo : Obvious displays of stress, they become like a wound up string and as if they are on the brink of a nervous break down. Short tempered and needy (only around close friends/family) and become martyred

Virgo: Isolation, heightened compulsions (cleaning, washing hands more etc;), unresponsive in conversations, at time blunt and more oppositional

Libra : General feeling of instability/moodiness, reduced urge to socialize/be with friends, hopelessness, a feeling of being disliked/rejected by everyone, you can sense them ‘trying’ to be happy and keep composed

Scorpio : Isolation, opposition, hostility and violent mood swings. Intense melancholy with at times delusions and paranoia. Thoughts even scary to them, a sense of ‘me against the world’.

Sagittarius : Lethargy, escapism (substance use etc;), uncharacteristically more serious and tense, less tolerance, feelings of worry when thinking into the future

Capricorn : Demotivation, lethargy, hopelessness, over thinking, they seem tense and ‘overly alert’, hyper vigilant, force themselves to ‘go through the motions’, nothing impresses them

Aquarius : Uneasy, harder to ‘reach’; as if they are far away. Silence, isolation, detachment, even though they try to appear happy. Distracted

Pisces : Teariness, anxiety, isolation, when they feel sadness they tend to feel ‘all at once’, nerves, obsessive/ruminating thinking, remembering everything bad that ever happened to them, crying over insignificant events

More Fun Zodiac Facts Here

astrolodew:

The fire signs don’t believe in death.

Aries is too young. Leo is too present. Sagittarius knows that death is not the end.

The air signs don’t care about death.

Gemini doesn’t believe in the existence of pure nothingness – death must be a misunderstanding. Libra believes in Heaven – he knows he’ll find love and peace once he goes. Aquarius is excited to go home.

The water signs accept death.

Cancer and Scorpio are both born knowing Death, and they rarely leave the earth fearing Him. They feel Him at all times, just as they feel Life at all times. Pisces has this knowledge, too, but she prefers to focus less on its inevitability and more on the calm, silent waters that come after she goes, before she comes back.

The earth signs expect death.

That and taxes.

Reblog with your sign in the tags

infamously-exhausted:

aries: the definition of a fuckboy but they actually have a soul. literally don’t give two shits about the haters and are some of the most loyal friends i’ve ever encountered. have very sudden growth periods. super dedicated to anything they put their mind to. ALSO OH MY GOD SO GOOD WITH THE TONGUE 

taurus: very eccentric, don’t really know how to deal with emotions. get flustered easily but it’s kinda cute. dreamy demeanor. will ignore the hell out of u if u fuck them over. are lowkey terrified of everything but will probs never admit that as they have some weird element of ego tied into that. 

gemini: really chill people when u get to know them but will scare the shit out of u for like six years if u don’t approach them. do not fucking piss them off as they will butcher yo ass with their tongue and hang u up for the rest of the world to see. probably has daddy issues. writers. really physically attractive and everybody is intimidated as fuck by it. dumb as hell in terms of love and will flirt with you incessantly. REALLY FUCKIN GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS LIKE DAMN. 

cancer: big hearts. fuckin adorable little water signs that are likely drowning in a puddle of their own tears. do not know how to fucking flirt to save their lives. their laughs are kooky as hell and i love it. probably smoke weed. u either love ‘em or want to kill them or are in some poorly balanced inbetween.

leo: okay y’all needa settle down a bit. fragile fuckin egos if i’ve ever seen ‘em and react hardcore if u piss them off. pretty over the top with everything. but damn, are some of the most hopelessly romantic motherfuckers i’ve met. will treat you like a fucking god(dess) if u let them. not super good at social cues tbh. good friends to have if u need to be validated. need quality time. 

virgo: y’all are lowkey hoes and give no fucks about it and it’s fucking great omfg. despite that, they maintain an endearing innocence and can be childish af when things don’t go their way but will love u until the end of time. great taste in music. super fucking smart but don’t show it off too often. 

libra: jesus christ okay i love u guys. super understanding and will always try to see all sides of a situation. probably have been through a lot. aren’t afraid to call u on ur shit and are lowkey emotional shawtys that are still trying to find themselves. make really wonderful parents. get crazy excited over little shit and it’s fucking adorable. 

scorpio: don’t fuck with these hoes unless u know urself first. will expose the parts of urself that u didn’t want to see. super gnarly in fights and will love u until the end of time. pretty standoffish and need time alone when emotionally unstable. keep themselves in amazing shape. are the loneliest fucks i know; be kind to them always. are probably in great shape (physically.)

sagittarius: craziest mofos out there. abandon all emotions before going into a situation and can be super impulsive. funny as fuck and always seem to be on another level. push themselves to the limit and usually forget to give themselves a break. ambitious and can get shit done when they need to. 

capricorn: talk about a ride or die. y’all are loyal to the grave and are incredible friends. until u get fucked over. will probably make ur enemies’ life a living hell, sometimes over-the-top about it. can be v athletic. good writers/artists. really interested in spirituality and the ethereal realms. u guys know what to do in bed and flirt hard af. also so fucking funny oh my god. 

aquarius: amazing friends. probably hate u. easily excitable. space cadets 4 life. rly good with animals and love food but probably restrict their eating habits in one way or another. a paradox in that they are fucking driven as hell to get shit done but give zero fucks at the same time. lowkey kinky af. want to kiss everyone. 

pisces: emotional shawtys through and through. physically attractive as hell. not good at romantic relationships. won’t forget about u for a million years. keep their friends close but will push u the fuck away if they get scared. insecure and just want u to stick around.

The Signs as Contradictions

lexical-libra:

Aries: bold but soft – the delicate fighter

Taurus: loves you, but also loves them – the finicky sweetheart 

Gemini: outspoken but awkward – the extrovert that chokes

Cancer: emotional but strong – the angry cryer

Leo: generous but manipulative – the circumstantial giver

Virgo: introvert but outgoing – the shy kid with many friends

Libra: peace maker but rebellious – the adventurer that calls their parents

Scorpio: stoic but loving – the straight faced responder

Sagittarius: hardworking but lackadaisical – the determined procrastinator

Capricorn: shy but show offy – the outspoken introvert

Aquarius: silly but responsible – the straight A’d class clown

Pisces: free spirited but orderly – the goal oriented wanderer

susiephone:

arirashkae:

saphire-dance:

I Don’t Know What That Word Means, But I Know Enough About The Internet That I Know I Don’t Want To Google It. An Adventure In Letting Go And Moving On With Your Life.

I Have A Morbid Curiosity And No Sense Of Self Preservation So I’m Going To Google It Anyway: An Adventure In Gambling Your Eyes Away

First person: Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn

Second person: Aries, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Pisces 

The Truth About The Signs

darkworkofart:

Aries:

– Extremely motivated, like having a list of things to get done at work

-Optimistic people

-Impatient/impulsive

-Spontaneous

-go with the flow

– Typically Extroverted, but enjoys time alone too

– On the negative they can be very selfish and compulsive

-Blunt, the tell it like it is and are not shy from the truth

– They are very charismatic

Aries children are often more like their fathers than their mothers, when they are girls, Aries usually grow up as the “tomboy” Aries children love to be noticed for having a brain! They need respect from peers and elders.

Aries have a drive to get what they want, and they will always go after it. This is good because it keeps them balanced.

Taurus:

– Romantic/sensual

– Artistic, innovative and creative, they are easily inspired by people and environments that they are around a lot.

-Sentimental, to the point of hoarding.

-Self-indulgent particularly with money and food.

-Affectionate, the ultimate cuddle buddies ❤

– Slow to rely on people, but once they do, they do so heavily.

– They are patient and methodical in their work as well as in others’ work, this makes them great manager-types

– On a negative side they are very self-critical and suffer anxiety because of this.

In childhood Taurus children spend a lot of time alone, and they are usually pretty happy this way. They often dream of having families and living in beautiful places. They have a habit of thinking that they are always in the way.

Taurus can be power hungry and need to watch it sometimes with unconscious manipulative behaviors.

Gemini:

– Quick- minded and creative they are the ultimate story tellers, and great at improv.

– Dramatic and usually outgoing, they love concerts and a lot of Gemini folks love to swim.

– They are curious and tend to look and act younger than they are.

– The most likely sign to have anxiety.

– Charming and Charismatic, they get themselves thrown into leadership positions, even though it is not usually what they want.

– They are open-minded

– They are also typically good with money.

In childhood, Gemini tend to get along with everyone (except that ONE person, if you know what I mean)  They are the trouble maker kid who just got a little too excited to jump in on the action. They are clever and likely to pull pranks.

Gemini are one of the most exciting signs to be around and have as a friend.

Cancer:

-Subjective, Cancers are very good at being an uninvolved third party during an argument.

– They are intuitive and are likely to be mediums and/or empaths.

-They are imaginative and are the writers of the Zodiac.

– They are patient and attentive while learning about new things.

– Cancers are the introverts that always find themselves in extroverted situations.

– On the negative side, Cancers can be manipulative, and vengeful, though this is usually only in their thoughts and not reflected in their actions.

– They are sensitive and think of themselves as “average.”

In childhood, Cancers are usually closer to their mothers and don’t always get along with their fathers. They are inquisitive children and question their parents’ decisions on everything, they act much older than they are. Cancer children often find it difficult to sleep.

Cancers are understanding in relationships, however, sometimes they expect too much from their lover.

Leo:

-Romantic, not in the same sensual way as the Taurus friends, but in the grand gesture, pebbles on the windows with a boombox outside kind of romantic.

– Leos are born to be social, but will often convince themselves that they aren’t. Leo’s tend to think that they are quieter than they are.

-Without even realizing it, Leo’s treat life as a sales pitch, and they have to sell you on themselves.

– They are very proud, and one of the most opinionated signs of the zodiac, they love to share their opinions and get into feisty debates, but hate actual arguments.

– Big-spenders.

– They are likely to be obsessive-compulsive, type A personalities.

– In a negative light, Leo’s can be complacent and deal with the hand life gave them instead of trying to change it for the better.

– Leo’s have a big, yet fragile ego.

In childhood, Leos are very demanding. they like things done a certain way, and are not the best at hiding these feelings. They tend to be very talented children with seemingly “normal” childhoods. They are often closer to their mother than their father.

Leo’s like to dress up and present themselves one day, then watch Netflix and wear sweats all day the next. They are complex and exciting signs.

Virgo:

– One of the most mysterious signs, they don’t often show their true emotions, even though they are one of the signs most likely to suffer from emotional disorders like depression or bipolar disorder.

– Hardworking, Virgos think that they can do anything that they work hard for, they like to impress people with the amount of work they do, unfortunately, Virgos often work hard instead of smart, doing a lot more work than they really needed to.

-The above being said, Virgos are incredibly intelligent. They are witty and charming.

– They like everything to be in a specific order and are often afraid of things being dirty.

– They like to debate and persuade others to think the way that they do.

– Virgos are people who often have a wide variety of interests.

In childhood, Virgos were introverts that had a lot expected from them. Virgos tend to grow up feeling unappreciated and underwhelmed with affection from their families and peers. I personally believe that this is what causes their want to keep things orderly.

Out of any of the signs, Virgos are the best teachers. If you need a study partner or a tutor, go to your Virgo friend! They just have a good way of explaining things so that it makes more sense.

Libra:

-As a whole, Libras are very attractive people. They draw others in with a sense of attractiveness both physically and spiritually.

– They are sociable, and likely to get along with everyone they meet. They are the ones that know literally everyone.

– Their downside is that they are incredibly indecisive, they are not right for a position of leadership.

– They are aggressive when it comes to things they care about, and one of those things is equality, so you may see a lot of Libras fighting for social equality.

– Team-workers.

– Libras typically feel like the “ugly-duckling” or the “odd one out” which is mostly in their own heads because they are a very likeable sign.

– Polite.

In childhood, Libras are slightly devious but highly independent. They are curious and like to learn many different skills. Unfortunately, most Libra children are blind to the many talents that they posses, quick learning being one of them.

Libras are surprisingly sexual people.

Scorpio:

Complex thinkers with big imaginations

-Practical, they get shit done

-Passionate, sometimes possessive

-Likely to have psychic inclinations

-On a negative side, they can be insensitive to others

– Intense feelers

-Although many are introverts, they are natural leaders

– They are self-destructive, their own worst enemies

– Typically they are really adventurous, they like to try new things (once they trust it of course, witch they are slow to do.)

-Indulgent in things like drugs, shopping, and food

– Stubborn

Scorpios often have a difficult childhood lacking in emotional support. They have to work harder to get things right than some other signs that get things a bit easier.

They can be jealous lovers, but are totally capable of controlling those jealous urges, and usually do for the fear that they are being too clingy. (even if they aren’t)

Scorpios are really competitive, but they are not frigid and mean, but will do everything they can to win. They aren’t always the most cooperative sign.

Sagittarius:

-High-spirited and free, these friends like to learn and have their freedom whether it be in romance, adventure, or even just creativity.

– Loyal and trustworthy, Sagittarius may not always be there when you need them to be, but when you have their attention, you have their full attention.

– They are very giving people, they love seeing others happy.

– This sign has uncanny good luck. Where did it come from???

-They are charming and incredibly talented, they make good public speakers.

– Sagittarius are very independent and progressive, they typically have talents in art, music, acting, and social skills.

– Philosophy interests them and they like to come up with fresh ideas.

In childhood, these are the kids that asked “why?” about everything. They are curious, free thinkers with a sharp head on their shoulders. They retain information better than most other signs, with the exception of Capricorns. Music comes easy for Sagittarius children.

Sagittarius are likely to indulge in things like drugs, shopping, and food, and they have a sense of emptiness when they do.

Capricorns:

– Nothing describes a Capricorn like the word ambitious. This is the most hardworking, diligent sign. They know where they want to go, they know how to get there, and nothing can get in their way.

-Capricorns have a sturdy inner-self that guides them even when they think that they cannot go anymore.

– They are the most likely sign to suffer from depression.

– Contrary to what many think of Capricorns, they are one of the most full-of-life signs. They work hard, and they like to party just as hard. Capricorns love to entertain.

– They are very sexual people who have the needs of their lover at heart.

– On the negative, Capricorns can get stuck in routine easily, and they hate that about themselves.

-Capricorns are one of the most humorous and talented signs. They are introverts who know how to play the role of an extrovert, and they know how to do it well. They are very charismatic, others want to follow the Capricorn in the room, and Cappys need to keep this in mind and not manipulate others.

In childhood, Capricorns were often expected to live to a standard that was impossible, and that is how Capricorns learned how to achieve the impossible. Capricorn children have a difficult time connecting with others on an emotional level, and are often closer to their fathers than their mothers.

Capricorns are the go-to leaders in an emergency situation. Your wedding was cancelled? Call your Cap friend. Your mom is in the hospital? Call your Cap friend. Your house is on fire, you have a broken arm, and your dog needs to be picked up from the vet all at the same time? Call your Cap friend, they make the impossible, possible.

Aquarius:

– This is the quirky sign, they are full of cool ideas and unique interests.

– They are tense, always on the lookout for people trying to use or hurt them, they are often very lonely, and the most likely to be “only-children”

– They are curious and experimental, they love thinking of, and testing new ideas.

– While Aquarians are not very emotional and loving, they crave emotion and love. They try not to let anyone see it, and often will not admit it to themselves, but it is what they need and want deep down. They need someone that they can rely on that will accept them and their odd, independent ways.

– Even though Aquarians are a little on the strange side (in the best way 🙂 they are the most courteous and polite sign, and are very honest, forthcoming people.

– They have a quick temper and they fear true intimacy (while still craving it)

– These are a proud group of individuals, when they are very talented at something, they know that they are, and they are proud of it. This is a very good quality, but good luck trying to get an Aquarius to apologize.

– Aquarians often have a difficult time figuring out what they want to do in life, but once they find it they are driven and will stop at nothing to see their dreams come true.

In childhood, Aquarians are lonely. They don’t get the attention that they need to thrive. They are typically cast-off by teachers and sometimes peers because they have unique interests. Aquarius children usually are closer to their fathers than their mothers because they are critical.

Aquarians are friendly and once they trust you, they are some of the most loyal friends that you can have. Once they care about you, they would do anything for you, whether it be meet you to talk at 3 am or do six back flips, Aquarians always find a way.

Pisces:

– Pisces do not like conflict, but are usually pretty self-confident, just not assertive.

– They are romantic, just like their Taurus friends, they appreciate simple sensuality and the comforts of home and good cooking.

– While it is true that this is an emotional sign, they are an elastic sign too. They are not weak, they bounce back from anything life could ever throw at them.

– Pisces are very artistic and have a great love of music.

– This is the sign that would rather stay home than go out, they are in love with quiet activities. Don’t mistake them though, they can party.

– This is the most nurturing and self-sacrificing sign, they will do and be everything needed for the people that they love.

 -On the negative side of things, Pisces have to be careful, because they like to play the victim, but then wonder why no one thinks they are strong.

In childhood, Pisces tend to feel a sense of guilt because they can see their mothers, who they are close with, not being treated right by their fathers. Pisces children learn that it is ok to settle from their mothers.

Pisces is that friend that will listen to you talk about the same thing for hours on end while feeding you cookie dough. They are reliable and true friends.