When people tell me, “Trust your gut! Follow your intuition!” Like, bitch, I have anxiety. My “gut” is usually telling me that everyone hates me and that I’m going to die. I can’t trust what that motherfucker tells me.
I sincerely believe that by 7th year Ravenclaws would just tell the door to their common room to fuck off and it would open for them
Q “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” A “You shouldn’t shove either up your arse.” “…Technically, yes.”
Imagine it, a poor First Year is waiting outside the common room, they can’t answer the riddle in a way to appease the eagle and must wait until someone else to answer it for them. It’s getting late, they’re starting to resign themselves to having to spend the night here.
Suddenly, their saviour comes! It’s a seventh year! Back from a night finishing off their Araithmancy essay in the Library. They look angry, but our poor little first year squares their shoulders, waiting to see what will happen, and hope that they’ll keep the door open for them.
The Seventh Year bangs the handle against the wall, and a slightly disgruntled voice asks the question again: “What is the truth?”
The Student Replies, “The Truth is that I am so fucking sick of all these mother fucking questions about stupid fucking topics like this you bloody fuck-witted bastard. Who in the name of Merlin’s saggy left testicle gives a fucking damn about all this shit anyway? I’ve been working my arse off in the library for the last seven hours now let me the fuck in or, truthfully, I’ll blast my way in and take you with me.”
The eagle knocker tutts, but allows the student entry anyway, and our little first year enters, eyes wide and in shock. They watch the seventh year go up to their bedroom, awe all over their face at their new hero. They did, indeed, learn something that day by waiting for someone to arrive, they learnt that swearing has a magic all of it’s fucking own, and that sometimes it is big and clever to use it.
The only head canon I will ever accept. Its both perfectly witty and fantastically assholish
witty and fantastically assholish… pretty much quintessential ravenclaw traits right there
My favorite version of this headcanon is that there is one Ravenclaw who went all seven years by answering the riddles with some variation of “not a potato” and was only ever wrong once.
when people try to assign roles to non-straight people and couples
“Another fucking thing is when people assume I’m a gold star lesbian, because I dress more masculine…. If you only knew where my pussy has been [laughs hysterically]
You know, when you see two gay dudes and one of them wears lip gloss, and the other one’s a masc4masc looking motherfucker, I guarantee you, the guy who wears lip gloss is probably controlling the relationship, I guarantee you.
‘But like, who’s the guy in the relationship, because I promise you, I can always tell.’ I promise you bitch, you can’t, you straight motherfucker! Stop trying to put roles in my relationships. You wrong, bitch.
People see me and my girl and they assume I’m a big bad top, and yeah that’s sometimes true, but uh, I’m an equal opportunity hoe, and uh, it ain’t always true, so- [laughs hysterically].
[high pitched mumbling] ‘The guy in the relationship-’ Trust me bitch, there is no guy. I dated men, I know what they’re like. We fight over the stupidest shit only women can fight about! Trust me, there’s two females here!”
fadeslikewhispers 