Tag: yep

the signs as john mulaney quotes

khattikeri:

Aries: [the entirety of the salt and pepper diner skit]

Taurus: 

“In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

Gemini: “I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud.”

Cancer: 

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”

Leo: “Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all.”

Virgo: “This is an on-fire garbage can. …Could be a nursery.

“

Libra: 

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

Scorpio: 

“‘No,’ I said. You know, like a liar.”

Sagittarius: “Hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars.”

Capricorn:  “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

Aquarius: “‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian’”

Pisces: “Everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds.”

Dear Men Writers

musicalhell:

valeria2067:

marvel-lucy:

cassiopeiassky:

angryschnauzer:

mistytang:

ivegotthetriforce:

deliciouspineapple:

annerocious:

Lesser known facts when writing women:

  • High heeled shoes don’t become flats if you break the heels off.
  • The posts of earrings aren’t sharp.
  • Nail polish takes a long time to dry and smudges when wet.
  • You can’t hold in a period like pee.
  • Inserting a tampon is not arousing or sexual in any way, ever.

Feel free to add your own.

– Bras leave red marks on the skin under and around boobs and it is a magical experience when taken off.

– Make up can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes depending on how skilled you are.

– Taking hair out of a ponytail after wearing it for hours does not make it perfectly straight when it comes down.

– Hair when wet sticks to the skin it no longer flows, idiot.

-When women with long hair kiss, turn around, do anything, their hair falls in the way.

– Stockings are itchy and tear like wet paper bags.

– Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different.

– Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble

– Most can’t run in heels unless they have been VERY worn

– Insecurity in appearance doesn’t mean “buy me a drink”

– EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN EVERYTHING

-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief.  If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it won’t fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.

Putting a tampon in isnt a quick bend-poke-done kinda deal. It involves cubicle yoga, messy hands, numerous curse words as you realise it isnt in correctly and have to take it out and start again with a new one.

Yes to all of this.  But also:

If her hair is in an updo, one does not simply remove a hairpin to send her hair cascading down her back.  No.  If her hair is an updo, it will take at least an hour and an extra set of hands to remove the 137 bobby pins that are holding her hair in place.  Furthermore, there’s probably a can’s worth of hairspray in there, intended to withstand category 2 hurricane winds.  There’s no cascading happening here – the best you can hope for is a misshapen nest of hair to clump and poof unattractively in the back while it still remains flat against her scalp.

This is one of the funniest posts I’ve seen in a while (especially if you read all the comments), but also really depressing because at 42 I still judge myself as having failed for not matching up to all these mythical stereotypes despite knowing they’re impossible

^^^This though

The odds of a woman having smoothly shaved legs and armpits are directly proportional to the amount of skin her clothing bares and/or the amount of fucks she gives at that particular moment.

GLASSES ARE NOT COSMETIC.  If we whip them off, we do not become gorgeous fashion models.  We become squinty.

You’ve heard of depression meals, now get ready for Depression Entertainment:

nomorelistening:

bpdshaolin:

dunpling:

squishymoth:

-The first minute of a buzzfeed video
-Bad one hour documentaries like “The Ultimate Guide to Penny Pinching”
-Finding your current music tiresome but refusing to listen to new music
-“Let’s play Sim Ant episode 500” by gamerboy95
-at least 10 “Asmr INTENSE binaural ear cleaning” videos
-Tumblr.hell
Feel free to add your own additions

-children’s shows
-going back and finding that one great scene from that one episode of that show you used to watch
-vine complilations
-the same page of a book for an hour before you give up

-tasty videos on your phone while sitcom reruns are on your tv

-food network
-law and order (not svu nothing against it’s just not for me)
-whatever drivel youtube recommends usually

things the signs love

angelic-ocean:

  • Aries: To feel wanted. Baby animals, (especially kittens). Corny gifts. Stability. Forehead kisses. Red lipstick. Deep and meaningful conversations. Vodka. Mutual feelings. Drunk texts. Holding hands. Hot showers. Comedy movies. Someone that will make them better as a person (although not always what they settle for) Milo.
  • Taurus: Traveling. roller coasters. commitment. neck kisses. fun dates. comfort snacks. peanut butter. watching horror movies with a significant other. warm, fluffy towels. buying pointless things. late night tumblr sessions. stuffed animals. meaningful letters. getting dressed up. bubble baths. forest. rain and storms.
  • Gemini: make out sessions. instagram. feeling wanted. cute dates. tall boys/short girls. fluffy rugs. romance movies. collecting random things. messy rooms. wine. conversations about sex. being made feel special. driving with the windows down
  • Cancer: smalls animals. silk pyjamas. pretty things. flowers. cute lingerie. vanilla milkshakes. buying expensive makeup. stuff that smells good. fan-girling over celebs. late night netflix. pizza. roller skating.
  • Leo: night drives. fairy lights. soft, worn in hoodies. stars. instagram. fireworks. soft cheek kisses. bear hugs. stomach butterflies. giving advice. salted caramel. champagne. amusement parks
  • Virgo: face masks. commitment. dogs. turning up music loud while driving. disney movies. feeling acknowledged. sound of rain. music. shooting stars. black and white photographs. fashion. 
  • Libra: candles. fireworks. bonfires. commitment. romance novels. big animals. warm houses. skinny jeans. drinking with friends. salt and vinegar chips. sending ugly picture to friends. lip syncing beyonce or justin beiber. smell of books. dogs. the milky way. 
  • Scorpio: Cold drinks. full bank account. adrenaline rushes. deep, passionate kisses. warm socks. inside jokes. staring. hand written letters. sarcasm. movies (scorpios are movie freaks) soapy showers. 
  • Sagittarius: horror movies with friends. weed. photography. architecture. gossip. classy outings. sarcasm. face and body products. reaching high levels on video games. sassy remarks. traveling. cactuses. piercings. adventure. croissants
  • Capricorn: expensive makeup. feeling wanted. photo booths. clean houses. clouds. sarcasm. dirty jokes. sparklers. green grass. festivals. drunk texting. pretty underwear. boy bands. late night tumblr sessions. dark lipstick. passionate kissing. 
  • Aquarius: aquariums (who knew) beach bikes. long strolls on beach. sundresses. innocent gossip. booty. late night texting. blasting music in car.  exotic drinks. trampolines. rock jumps. books. christmas lights. pretty views.
  • Pisces: old movies. heart shaped sunglasses. the universe. knitted blankets. shimmery eyeshadow. learning. smell of rain. daydreaming. chill songs. sea shells. drawing. brand new pens.